Ten Good reasons why we are fighting in Afganistan
1. We are fighting in Afghanistan because we are loyal Americans. We have unquestioning trust in the wisdom of our leaders.
2. We are fighting in Afghanistan because we are devoted to the principles of free trade and free enterprise. That is why we want to protect the heroin export business of President Karzai’s brother and other Afghan warlords against interference and unfair competition by the Taliban.
3. We are fighting in Afghanistan because we want to secure the route for a pipeline to pump vast quantities of natural gas from Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan through Afghanistan to Pakistan and India.
4. We are fighting in Afghanistan because we need stability there. We need stability to prevent the disruption of free enterprise (especially for the sake of Reason 3). Previously we backed the Taliban as a force for stability. Now we back the warlords as a force for stability. They too need stability (see Reason 2). Stability is something you can never have too much of.
5. We are fighting in Afghanistan because we hope that we’ll be lucky enough to survive unmaimed and then perhaps the army will pay for our college education and then perhaps we’ll find one of the few well-paid jobs that still exist by then.
6. We are fighting in Afghanistan because we want to be fair to our generals and give them a chance to get it right this time and overcome the trauma of their failure in Vietnam (the poor guys).
7. We are fighting in Afghanistan because we want to stimulate the American economy by expanding the market for U.S. arms manufacturers.
8. We are fighting in Afghanistan because we want to capture Osama bin Laden, who is no longer in the country.
9. We are fighting in Afghanistan because we want to show the world that we are no worse than the British and Russians, who fought in Afghanistan before us.
10. We are fighting in Afghanistan because President Obama is a transformative and restorative national leader and we do not want to undermine his position.
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